April 2009Click here to read issue contents

     by Leslie Fuller Knox

     You've seen them on Bravo television's hit series The Real Housewives of New York City. The attached-at-the-hip couple Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen, who reportedly are penning a parenting book, generate a great deal of online discussion for bragging about how their sons Fran�ois, 4, and Johan, 2, speak French.

     "Lately Fran�ois has become addicted to flash cards and simple math problems," McCord recently slipped into an interview with Babble.com.

     It can happen in any playgroup, Mommy and Me group or school activity: An ordinary looking mom transforms into a raving "Momzilla," who relentlessly boasts about her little darling's wardrobe, talents and activities.

     "Everybody has known one," sighs Marijean Jaggers, author of the popular blog, St. Louis Working Mom. "You run across them in every kind of group. They're competitive in their work, their home life, getting their kids into the right school, starting with the right preschool."

     Fashion as a weapon

     Competitive mothers may use fashion as a weapon, appearing for a playdate with infants garbed in designer duds, she says. "You see these really expensive La Petite BŽbŽ clothes or cashmere sweaters on a baby," says Jaggers, vice president at Standing Partnership, a St. Louis public relations firm. "Three hundred dollars - are you kidding me? That these things even exist in our culture is obnoxious."

     Moms who live vicariously through their children often deny their own needs, warns psychotherapist Shellie Fidell. "There's a common theme of insecurity, living through your child's achievements," explains Fidell, a counselor at Women's Healthcare Partnership of St. Louis.

     "Maybe they've put their needs on the back burner while they're raising their children," she says. "They hardly know who they are anymore, but they know who their kids are. That's where they're putting all their energy, all their time, all their money."

     Fathers are not immune, Fidell adds. "Dads get caught up in it, getting their kids get into select sports. These kids have conditioning coaches at age 11, but the parents don't have personal trainers."

     One competitive parent can derail a social gathering, Fidell says. "It ruins their group because that's their one time they get together," she points out.

     Taming Momzilla

     Taming a playgroup Momzilla requires tact and respect, Fidell says. "Don't criticize her personally," she advises. "The most constructive way would be if one of the women could say, 'Can we meet for coffee?'" Then, open up in a nonjudgmental way about what's been happening. "Say, 'I want to be honest with you. You're talking so often about your kids' achievements. You know, other people in the group have noticed it too.'"

     Many times, competitive parents have fallen into the trap of trying to be Supermom. "It can come from a good place," Fidell says. "These are not bad moms. It's moms that care."

     If you're dealing with a pushy parent at work or in your neighborhood, it may be best to overlook the behavior, recommends family counselor Pam Dyson of Ballwin. "If it's a co-worker, neighbor, you can't always defuse that," Dyson says. "You might say, 'Wow, that's really great' and change the conversation. You have to pick your battles."

     However, when you feel a cherished friendship is at stake, it's worth it to be direct, Dyson says. "Is this woman your friend? You might be able to sit down and have a heart to heart about what first caused you to connect as friends," says Dyson, a registered play therapist.

     Express concern for your friend, she advises. "Is this all she ever talks about - how wonderful her children are? You might say, 'You must be really proud. What are you doing to take care of yourself?' Sometimes coming at that angle can be helpful."

     Fuller Knox, a freelance writer, likes spending time with her three sons - not bragging about them.

Article appears as published in the St. Louis Woman Magazine April 2009 issue.